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| Leonard J. McCulloch |
Recently, a good friend told me that life is not fair. I asked if she had figured that out all alone or had help. She wisely ignored my sarcasm and said that she feels of all the unfair things in life, Alzheimer’s disease ranks up there near the top, if not at the top, of the list.
Wow, I said, and this comes from you who has been dealing with Parkinson’s disease and cardiac comprises for a long time. Tell me more, I said.
She responded by sending me information from the Alzheimer’s Association. From this material, I learned that Alzheimer’s disease accounts for 60-80 percent of dementia cases; approximately 200,000 Americans ages 65 and younger have younger-onset Alzheimer’s; that Alzheimer’s worsens over time; and, finally, that there is no cure.
I told her that the numerous ways in which Alzheimer’s steals a person’s life seem more staggering than I realized. Through no fault of one’s own, you can lose memory, judgment, knowledge of who you are and not be able to recognize your spouse or loved ones. One’s identity becomes unknown to themselves. Often, after they “lose their mind,” the physical losses set in. These can include the abilities to walk, talk, feed themselves, etc. Essentially, the Alzheimer’s person loses their life. This does not even begin to address the unfairness to their loved ones. There is a massive, profound, emotional devastation.
I responded to my friend by asking about other kinds of dementia, mental illness, trauma, brain injuries, autism, Down’s syndrome, etc. She said, “Yes, depending on the severity of loss to the afflicted and their loved ones, a case could be made that any severe neurological or associated condition could be as unfair or more unfair than Alzheimer’s or any other disorder, for that matter.”
In talking about this, we both realized that it is not the degree of unfairness of one’s affliction, but the attitude of the afflicted and the attitude of their loved ones. We agreed that the only thing worse than tragedy is an unhealthy attitude about the tragedy.
“Why me?” is often and, naturally, the early response of people who have trauma of any kind. Therapeutic healing has to begin somewhere and “Why me?” is often the starting point. But “Why me?” may never lead to an answer. So some ask: “Is this the right question?”
In the book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” (by Harold Kushner) and Victor Frankl’s classic writing, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” remarkable suggestions are made. Essentially, they seem to point out that asking the question, “Why me?” is the wrong question. They say that the more therapeutic question is “What am I going to do now about this affliction/loss?” Or more importantly, “What are we going to do about this situation, disease, trauma, loss, etc. for ourselves and others?”
In thinking about and sharing these concepts with numerous people over four decades, people who have been diagnosed or afflicted in any way with a drastic deviation from health and wellness, I’ve yet to find anyone who disagrees. Admittedly, people may need time for mourning and grieving and therapeutic help in coming to this more adaptive question. It generally takes time and can be painful.
So, my friend and I agreed on this. It is not about what is more unfair than something else – it’s about our personal attitudes and example to others which really matters. What are we going to do with the hand of cards we are dealt? What are we going to do with the loss of health or development of illness that we encounter in life? Think about it.
This column is dedicated to the life of my sister-in-law, Linda McCulloch, and her loved ones. Linda died Jan. 6, 2018, after a two-year battle with Alzheimer’s, in the company of her loved ones.
Leonard J. McCulloch is a diplomate of the American Psychotherapy Association. He is a certified brain injury specialist and is board certified in traumatic stress, mental health, addictions and social work. He can be reached for a courtesy consultation at his Farmington Hills office at 248 474-2763, ext. 222.
http://www.hometownlife.com/story/news/health/2018/01/20/asking-right-question-helps-dealing-disease/109515256/
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